The Aesthete packs his Christmas stocking

... with a pair of tired, holed denims, t-shirts and some underpants and prepares to flee back to Dunedin on the next available flight. The past month has been chastening. I have visited ghost shopping malls with more staff than customers, mastered the eyes closed lane blocking technique that is the key to successful urban driving, and realised that nobody of normal intelligence lives between the East Coast Bays and Warkworth.  The beautiful city of my childhood is in ruins, the mayor doing to it as he once did to Bevan Chuang on the committee room table. As John Betjemen wrote of a certain English town during the Second World War...

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death! 

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath. 

Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years. 

And get that man with double chin
Who'll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women's tears:

Oh come on, stop moaning and get on with the cars.

1992 Porsche 968. You have to admire the doggedness of Porsche engineers, continuing to produce unlikable cars throughout the 1990s that no-one really wanted. The 968 was the ultimate development of the 924, a marketing non-sequitur that diluted the brand and left it in easy reach of various Asian zero-heritage makers. Balance shafts the size of the Lusitania's filled in for the missing parts when the 928's engine was cut in half and the eyeless frontal treatment looked as if the car had evolved under an ocean rock at vast depth.

For: Anyone would think I don't like these cars. Anything but.
Against: Its ugly and wrong but you may get used to it.
Investment potential: 1/10. I predict that no market will ever emerge for these cars. They will be the Lloyds and Goliaths of the future.

1924 Vauxhall 30-98. Most of us think of Vauxhall as the below par maker of cars that folks would buy if they did not care enough to choose a Morris. This dismal run began under General Motors ownership in the 1930s when the proud Velox name was prostituted but before that Vauxhall was a sporting brand. This 30-98 was the period equivalent of an Aston Martin Vanquish, already a bit antique but capable of seeing off the competition with a guaranteed 100 mph in  race trim. 400K seems rather a lot but you have to think Delage prices rather than Bentley.

For: I could think of dumber places to rest 400K.
Against: Would you ever use it?
Investment potential: 3/10. It is one third the price of a catastrophic Kingsland do-up.

1932 Singer Nine Special. Of course for less than one percent of the all up cost of a Vauxhall 30-98 you could have the period looks and fun of a 1930s special. This entertaining little boat tailed Singer could be merrily hurled into muddy watercourses without your broker having a stroke and I suggest you would gain more than one percent enjoyment from the experience.

For: Cheap thrills of the smelly and mechanical kind.
Against: Nothing that I can think of.
Investment potential: Who cares?

1970 Volvo 122 S. Just to show that Minilites can make even a great car look better, here is a handsome Volvo Amazon that looks like Tom Trana has just put it through some laps of the European Touring Car Championship (second only to Jaguar in 1963, you know). These are wonderful things to have for just about any purpose imaginable and you could happily drive it to work every day. Except in Auckland where you need a specially strengthened frame for the atomic canon.

For: Tough as a set of studded snow tyres.
Against: The Abba song Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) was playing in the Mall of the Doomed the other night.
Investment potential: 4/10 given that they are so adaptable.

1966 Maserati Sebring. You may have gathered that the Aesthete's rubric of nothing costing much more than a mid-career academic could afford has been tossed aside this week. This allows us to consider the many good reasons to buy a Maserati rather than the other Italian brand where values have soared beyond what most of us would consider sensible. Wonderboy told me this gorgeous Sebring would be coming on the market and here it is in its metallic maroon glory. Maserati meant business and you can see that in the stern Vignale lines that make a 250 Lusso look like the pomaded poseur that it is.

For: Worth stretching the finances for.
Against: Nothing. What is the matter with you?
Investment potential: 12/10. Watch out when the world runs out of that other brand.

On some faraway beach...

1956 Chrysler 300B. Are you a bit handy with a welder? At least you can see where this leviathan has become frilly before you pay your money and wait at the container terminal. Rust in a big American is rarely terminal but you way want to look at your minerals shares before taking the plunge. Your reward will be the best looking American coupe of the era.

For: So influential. Look at the Volvo if you doubt me.
Against: If it is that bad on the outside...
Investment potential: 3/10. At 12K it would be worth a punt.